Hey, it’s me.

It’s been awhile since you’ve heard from me because believe it or not, I couldn’t find the words to properly articulate how I’ve been feeling. Around this time last year I set out on a quest to look for myself – but ended up more lost along the way. However, twelve months later and I think I’ve finally found my missing spark.

I’m the type of person to see in segments. In my mind, 2014 is framed in unbelievable highs while 2015 is punctuated by unforgettable lows. In triumph I learned how to be humble and in turmoil I still believed God was sending blessings my way. At each end of the spectrum, my faith never once wavered but when I finally hit a steady plateau in 2016, my faith hit a rocky road.

For someone who preached so loudly about God, it was difficult to come to terms with the distance I put between us. Since I was first taught when I was little, I could not fall asleep without saying my prayers and the same still remains true today, but what was once a long and intimate catch up with a friend at the end of every day had become a jilted, one-sided conversation. I had always prided in myself in being able to continually devote graciousness at times of great joy and even more so, commit to hope and gratitude in greater sorrow, but when faced with a time not in either, indifference is all I could seem to feel. My mother always had a penchant of saying that my life motto is “when it rains, it pours” and I had only ever been up or down and I didn’t know what to do in this in-between.

Who am I when life no longer seems like a story book?

In my restlessness, I gave into spite. I became bitter because of the uncertainty of the future and the monotonous routine I fell into.

Without security, I allowed a deep-seeded doubt of myself and my capabilities to grow. Through school I immersed myself in my academics and pushed myself to perform in every social function I could; I did not know how to be anything less than busy. More time spent improving myself meant less time critiquing all the ways that I could be better. My confidence was slipping. It was as if because nothing significant was happening in my life that I was creating problems for myself to fix and producing personal drama out of thin air.

I’m afraid that in the quest to heal my heart, I somehow hardened it and it became a heavy weight I carried in my chest. I feared I wasn’t anywhere near as kind or patient or understanding as I used to be and though I used to tell myself to be “be better, not bitter” I would be lying if I said some of me didn’t give in to the spite. I became jaded and was selfish with my time, my talent, and most significantly, my emotions. It scared me, being hollow. Because all I’ve ever known is giving it my all or nothing at all and without any energy, I had nothing to give.

This went on for months and I couldn’t find it in myself to be content with my life in spite of all the blessings I had. I was bored, resentful, and completely restless. And so I prayed. I prayed even when I didn’t want to, even when I thought He might not be listening, even when the feeling of unanswered prayers was the last thing I wanted to feel. I spoke to God stubbornly and freely about all the things I was frustrated with; I was honest about my doubts and asked for forgiveness for doubting in the first place. While I spent all of last summer traipsing through the city with old and new friends, this summer was spent mostly in quiet solitude with the comfort of my family and my fluctuating faith. 

And then sometime in the beginning of the August, He opened my eyes once again. I let my quest to write my own fairytale overshadow the great story that He had already penned. I realized I was righteous when I should have been humble and I couldn’t forgive others even when I expected to be forgiven. I built walls when I should have forged bridges and I thought the world did not deserve my love when love is the best thing I can give. My love is the very best part of me and though nothing but God is perfect, I hope my love of life and its little wonders can be close. Love is not something to be selfish with but rather something that should be given freely, wholly, and often. I have spent so much time trying to salvage love for myself that I forgot love thrives the most when it is given unto others.

I was ruminating in all the ways that I am unloved that I forget I am loved unconditionally by the Lord and it is with His grace that I grow. It is only in Him that I am righteous, that I am accomplished, that I answer to. And it is His love that validates my existence – not my experiences for the sake of a good story.

All or nothing. I can only give life my all or nothing. And each person deserves the truest version of me no matter what chapter in my life I am currently in. I deserve to see the worth of my truest self.

The greatest thing God has graced me is my ability to feel so fully and it would be a sin to ever shut that down. Let me feel the world and all it’s wonder. Let me show love to to anyone who passes by. I’ve been listening keenly to the Lord and now I know He is listening, too.

I may not be up or down but I am comfortable with the place that I am at and the page of the story that I am in. Whatever God’s will is, let it be done. I am ready.

J.