1. Tonight does not have to be the night I solve everything. I tend to do-or-die attitudes and have spent countless sleepless nights mulling over present problems and considering all possible problematic situations that have yet to even make themselves known. With deadlines imposed by others, I have often created even more deadlines for myself and these stresses seem to manifest the most at night – but sleepless nights lead to unproductive mornings and I find myself at square one once again. School stress, social situations, financial hiccups, emotional issues, and physical strain all seem to want to talk to me at 2 in the morning like old forgotten friends and the inner hostess in me wants to sit them all down at one round table and chat. But then I remember there are such things as mornings and sometimes the only solution to these thoughts are sleep. Due dates are put in place for a reason and tonight does not have to be the deadline for it all.

2. All feelings are valid – even if they’re unwarranted, even if they’re unsolicited, even if they’re unfair. I used to righteously walk around with my moral compass, measuring how proper or improper people were based off of my own beliefs. Although my values and morals still hold steadfast, I am increasingly aware that life is not so black and white. Just in this past year I’ve had friends fall for people who were taken and friends who were taken feel for people who were not theirs to love; I’ve watched people completely separate sex and love and I’ve seen others seek love solely through physical affection; I’ve had dear friends feel guilty for things I’d never think twice about and others who find themselves innocent in everything that they do. This deeper look into the human experience has reminded me that not everyone holds themselves to the same standards that I do and that’s okay. My norms shape my ideals and others may find fault with the standards that I uphold and the feelings that stem from them but that does not make us any less worthy, less respectable, or less capable. We have to acknowledge everything we feel if we are to find a way to feel better. I cannot condemn others simply for sinning differently than I do; I can only accept and love them as they accept and love me back.

3. My priorities may shift but that does not mean that they aren’t straight. This past year has replaced my micro view on my life with a macro perspective. From moving from the suburbs into the city, from transitioning from the typically collegiate East Campus to the professional ground of the medical West Campus, from focusing on the next cultural event or singing performance to the next few years of my budding nursing career – my attention has definitely shifted and along with it comes a new set of rules, expectations, and faces here for the ride. My energy has now been invested in making a conscious effort into bettering myself – to making time to go to the gym at least four times a week, to waking up earlier to actually eat breakfast, to spending that extra hour studying instead of leaving the apartment to meet up with friends for the rest of the night. I cannot be who I was if I am to pursue everything that I want for myself in the future. I’m okay with that – I can only hope those around me are okay with it, too.

4. Sometimes I have to walk away for my own wellbeing. Sometimes I have to walk away – not for my own sake, but for theirs. All relationships come down to the effort and the energy between two people and in the time of our twenties when we’re constantly evolving, sometimes the effort and energy between two people no longer align. I don’t want friends for the sake of friendship nor do any of us have the time for things and people that no longer grow us, challenge us, empower us, or enable us to become the people that we aspire to be. Some friendships grow toxic as one person takes more than another and other friendships simply fade as neither person has anything more to give. It’s important to recognize when things run their course but it’s even more necessary to understand it does not take away from the meaning or merit of the friendship. Not all friendships are meant to last but not all endings have to be bitter, either. 

5. What is mine will always be mine. This goes for positions, opportunities, recognition, people, and most notably, love. I can pour all my effort into a situation but if it does not turn out in my favor then I will graciously let go because I should never have to overextend myself for moments I’m not meant to be part of or for people who were never meant to stay. I am worth more than mixed signals, empty gestures, halfway efforts, and “this might be it” thoughts. I am far too passionate and decisive of a person to settle for things and people who are not as equally passionate and decisive about me. And if it is a circumstance that only time can tell, then I will not rush it and I will not be anxious about it. I can only take a deep breath, say a prayer, and then let it be.

6. If there should be anything, let there be grace. I am my mother’s daughter and if there is anything she has taught me it is to live with a high sense of dignity, class, and decorum. In a time of progressive forward thinking and political correctness, the definition of what is it to be a woman is often skewed but I abide by a woman’s right to define her own femininity and what it means to be woman in this world. I’m twenty now – a month shy from twenty-one – and can proudly say I’m passed the discomforts of puberty and adolescence. I know how I like to dress, how I want to smell, how I deem I should carry myself, and how I feel others should treat me. Learning how to become a woman requires learning how to love the private parts of me publicly and realizing that acknowledging the beauty of another woman does not take away from my own. Grace is rooted in goodness and I pray to grow in all that is good

7. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I stumbled upon an old diary entry from when I was fifteen years old where I had carefully planned my twenties and everything that I should achieve by a certain age. I was almost stressed as I read that I should be married by 25 and own my house by 28. Whether they’re imposed by me or the society surrounding me, there’s something about the twenties that feels as if I need to reach certain milestones by a certain time and that in itself is stressful. Time is constantly flipping between being my enemy and my friend but as I begin 2017 with only a year and a half left of college, I’m learning to be present in the moment and appreciate my place in this timeline. I have just finished my first semester of the nursing program of my dreams, I live in an apartment in the city with my best friend, I have a constant support system and stream of entertainment from the other friends we live with, and I still have the most loving family back home. I’ve been afraid that I’ll never amount to my potential – especially as I’ve realized how much I’ve been blessed with – but every opportunity I’ve prayed for has lead me here. So as long as I choose to seek His kingdom and exude His love, nothing can cause God’s plans for me to change.

2016 has been a selfish year and I mean that in the most positive way. It’s the year that I’ve learned to put my needs, my desires, and my future first. It was marked with acts of bettering myself – not because I felt I was not enough – but because I truly love myself and know that I have the capacity to be exceptional. It was the year I found genuine enjoyment in my own company and I no longer waited for movie moments to happen but instead crafted them on any typical day. Taking the metaphorical step back to look at how far I’ve come, I’m proud of what that I see. The new year is not about unveiling a new me, but rather, continuing to fall in love with the person that I’m becoming.

So cheers to the new year and I hope you take all the best parts of you into 2017, too.

Janelle.