In 2015, I learned…

1. I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own; no one else is responsible for my happiness but me. That sentiment also goes for sadness, wellbeing, reputation, etc. I have struggled in understanding what my obligations are to myself and how that compares to my obligations to those around me, but I have learned that trying to assign duties that don’t exist is setting myself up for failure and disappointment. Instead, taking full responsibility for my own mental and spiritual wellbeing has allowed me relinquish any residual resentment toward others for my own unhappiness and bask in my personal success on my own.

2. My time, my effort, and my energy are my most valuable resources. If there is anything I learned about time this year, it is that we don’t have much of it. Between college classes, a job, extracurricular/recreational activities, and socializing with family&friends, 2015 passed by in a blur. It forced me to be selective about the things I fill my time with, and the people I spend my time with (which is often troublesome as the old and the new collide). However, the scarcity of time and limitation of my energy has made me aware of their intrinsic values. Every enterprise I commit myself to now is based off of the benefit I will procure at the end of it; every person I go out to meet possesses all my attention when we’re together; every leisurely activity I choose to indulge in is enjoyed to the very last moment. Life in itself is too precious to be spent in any way less than extraordinary.

3. Coffee can cure almost anything. Starbucks has become my second-home this year and sometimes I feel like Pavlov’s dog because every time I see that green siren or get a whiff of their espresso, a feeling of warmth and happiness immediately washes over me. I’ve had more than a handful of significant, albeit difficult exchanges in the seats of this major coffeehouse chain – but it was okay as long as I had a cup of coffee clutched between my hands. My passion for a good fix of caffeine also led to the numerous cafe escapades in the city and those adventures in themselves hold such warm memories. Whether I was in search of comfort or company, an intimate conversation, a means to catch up, or something to coax me out of my laziness, coffee always seemed to be the answer.

4. Life is so much more than just the suburb that I grew up in. This summer I was granted with far more freedom than I’ve ever had before and found myself adventuring to places I’ve never been. Granted, these places were simply other major suburbs within the area and the city of Chicago itself but knowing all these places existed and actually experiencing them were two distinctly different things. I’ve always been content in my quaint little piece of suburbia but my weekly excursions instilled a hope that there is always something more and a desire to endlessly seek it.

5. I am so young. I am only 19 years old and I have so much life ahead of me. I’ve always been grounded in this mentality that I’ve got to grow up and much of that can be attributed to this unrelenting maturity I seem to possess. If I hit one milestone that I must get on to the next and a great deal of my adolescent mind was constantly planning for the future. But now I’m at the milestone of college and I’m forcing myself to live in the now and appreciate my youth as I have it. Because there is so much of the future yet to unfold and I can plan all I want but I still have to wait for it to happen.

6. … But I’m getting older. I am almost 20 years old and my childhood chapters are behind me. This is the first year I think I’ve finally been able to reap the benefits of no longer suffering through puberty (forever five feet, woo). And I can say that this year I was able to hold a job. I know I’m getting older because my parents are acutely aware and have granted me far more independence because of it. I’m on the cusp of adulthood but I don’t mind waiting on this edge a couple more years.

7. My parents are not perfect. My parents are put on a pedestal in my eyes, so it is distressing when I have to realize that they are only human and simply do their best when it comes to me and my siblings. As strict as they were when I was growing up, I tried my best to understand their ways even if they were unconventional compared to my typical American counterparts. But it was specifically this year that I realized how much the culture they were brought up in manifested on my own upbringing. Some of norms that they were accustomed to simply do not exist in this American reality and sometimes it is exhausting trying to reconcile the difference, but understanding that it is just as difficult for them as it is for me makes it easier to be patient. But aside from their human imperfections, they never fail to show me unfailing love and that is a lesson I  continually learn from them. My parents are not perfect, but thankfully, they are mine.

8. Friends are the family I choose. I have been especially blessed to have an eclectic group of people in my life, but as the opportunities to meet more people increase, the time I am able to devote to each person decreases. Nothing makes me more content than to know that I have built a successful network of people to connect with, but who I actually let in to my life are limited and few. I have the right to choose who I empower to affect me and I stand by the choices that I’ve made.

9. God exists wherever love is. Having attended a private Catholic school for nine years and then being surrounded by Filipinos that all share my religion, I was able to exist under the guise that anyone I would find romantic interest in would be Roman Catholic. However, because I attend college at a city university that boasts about diversity, I was met with distress as I found myself interested in individuals who did not practice my faith. An entire month out of this year was spent internally debating whether I could date someone out of my religion, much less marry them later on. Because my own mother didn’t even know what to advise me about this, she called the wisest and holiest person we knew: my lolo. I fully expected him to advise me to stay with my own religion but what he said has irrevocably changed my perspective. Religion is only second to love and God exists wherever love is. The person I choose to be with someday should be the one who can provide for me, respects me, nurtures me, and will never leave me. Religion does not measure someone’s worth; their capacity to love does.

10. Kindness >>> everything. This is the simplest truth that I pray everyone is able to learn in their own time.

11. My friends are the main characters of their own story. They may be the all-star supporting cast to my tale but they are the protagonists and authors of their own. Realizing this wholly humbled me as I was able to remove my focus on my own life and appreciate being a supporting character to many others: to a dear friend falling in love with her girlfriend in the streets of New York to another pushing himself to his potential as he studied abroad in Europe to two other valued friends learning how to love and how to lose it here at home. It is a privilege to be a witness to their character growth and growth of all my other beloved friends; I only hope I’ll have the privilege of seeing through all of their narrative arcs.

12. Not everyone is meant to stay, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t appreciate them while they are here. College is often referred to as a time of temporary people and as someone who cherishes life-long friendships, learning how to let people in and then let them go has proven to be one of the hardest challenges. Before I stood by the belief that if people aren’t going to stay then they aren’t worth investing time in, but this year has shown me that I can welcome people into my life, appreciate what they bring to the table, feed them with my own capacities, and still happily hold the door as they walk out of my life and on to their next destination.

13. Fate is inevitable. Psalm 73:24.

14. Forgiveness is essential. As someone who places immeasurable value in trust, the pain runs deep when that trust is broken. It takes an unfathomable amount to exhaust my patience but once it is gone, I carry a deep resentment toward the one who does me wrong. It was easier to indulge in my bitterness and ruminate over the wrongdoing, but it never allowed me peace and now peace is all I’m after. And sometimes it takes time to forgive but the hope that it will one day be achieved is enough.

15. Only God knows. The single most important lesson learned is not an actual lesson (because this is something I have always known) but rather a reminder that as much as we know and believe, we are still only human and are instruments in God’s greater plan. Understanding this once again was a humbling experience because I truly believed I had my entire life all figured out – until I didn’t. 2015 served not just as a testament to my character, but also to my faith that everything happens in God’s timing. Fate is inevitable and God’s love is eternal. We, as His children, can only know ourselves as much as He allows. But that isn’t something to fear but rather to embrace as we have been crafted in His likeness. I have never had a propensity for uncertainty but I’m choosing to trust that whatever future God has laid out for me is worth waiting for. And as each day of that future unfolds, I hope to glorify Him in all that I do.

2015, you were punctuated with significant change and transformation. But for every hardship I encountered, I came out of it with a lesson in hand. When I look back at you, I hope to be able to reflect on the good things and only the good things. Now may 2016 bring greatness.

Janelle.