DISCLAIMER: As a writer, I uphold authenticity of experiences and present this as an artistic expression of growth – especially in a time where too many people immediately close to me are enduring the same thing. This is a post that essentially wrote itself over the course of the year and actually consists of handpicked messages I scribbled away in a diary as some sort of therapy that I never thought I’d reveal to anyone, much less the public sphere. Though these emotions were very real when they were written, I must post a disclaimer that just as time passes, so do these sentiments – and my intention is not to impart blame on anyone through this. Heartbreak is not a pretty thing but through it, inspiration to be better can be borne.

2015…

i. Apr.
It has been one month since you sent me away that God forsaken night.
They often say that the nights are the worst for the brokenhearted but I beg to differ because I live for the night when I can fall into the security of sleep;
It’s the morning that pains me the most because I wake up from a dream of you and I, falsely believing you’re still mine, until I reach for my phone to see a text that isn’t there and I break in my bed until I have to begin my day. Sometimes I almost don’t make it out of bed but I always do:
I foolishly tell myself I might get the chance to run into you.

ii. May.
I hope she was worth it; I hope they were all worth it.

iii. June.
The clock struck midnight and a dear friend came crying to me over a boy who doesn’t love her as well as he really should.
Red faced and teary eyed, she entered my house and brought along a strange pang of familiarity. Just two months ago, I was in her shoes and as she tearfully told me the thoughts that pained her, I had to refrain myself from relapsing into the same heartbroken mess.
She spoke of her fears about being single and every single one of them mirrored mine and I shouldn’t have found comfort in her misery but I did; I’m not the only one anxious about being alone.
How do you comfort someone over their breaking heart when yours feels smashed to pieces? You don’t, I realize. You just let them talk until they can speak without tearing up and you offer them milk and cookies because it isn’t as if you have what they really need.
When she left my house, she forgot to take the pang of familiarity with her, so tonight I will say a prayer for the both of us. May our broken things leave us alone at least in sleep.

iv. July.
Today would have been three years since our Sunday. I woke up around 5 o’clock in the morning and I watched the sun rise and wished my spirits would rise with it.
I texted you. After over a month of refusing to speak to you, I caved and finally extended an olive branch. And the entire day I tossed and turned in anxiety for what your response may be.
I cocooned myself in my family’s affections to keep myself occupied. I took my little brother and sister out for breakfast and as my brother so lovingly suggested, I ate my sorrows away. And everything was fine until I laid down to take a nap. But I finally allowed myself to feel your absence and it absolutely overwhelmed me and before I could even blink, my pillow was occupied with my tears.
When I woke up, your name was lit upon my phone and I took the deepest breath before reading the content. We texted the rest of the afternoon until I was comfortable enough to put the conversation to rest. And the only reason I’m not writing about it is because there are too many words to write to describe the exchange between us.
And the last thing I want to do is give air to the little bit of hope you sparked between us.
And so here I am, counting down the minute until this day ends. And hoping that the strange yearning for your company goes along with it.

v. Aug.
The 1st of August gave birth to a refreshed, unburdened soul. Not unharmed and not unscathed, but a soul so aware of the wonders of the world. A soul so in tune with the promise of the future.
The first of the month was the first day I realized that the more I see you, the less my eyes yearn to look at you, because I realize I am in love with the person you once were and not who you are right now.
I no longer feel excitement, anticipation, or any trace of butterflies when I am to see you because I think I know that the person I was once loved no longer exists.
In breaking my being, you broke yourself. And the pieces of the person you put back together are no longer mine to love.
I am strong enough to say that I deserve the best; what you are right now isn’t it.

vi. Sept.
Someone called me beautiful today. Another guy told me that I was funny. Two things I never often heard from you. I’ve never been such an object of attention until as of late and I tell myself it’s only because I’m new, but it feels good to know that maybe I can be loved, too.

vii. Oct.
Just thinking about being friends with you again already exhausts me. Nope, not today.
In other news, I think I’ve officially fallen out of love with you.

viii. Nov.
Never forget and always remember:
You chose this.

ix. Dec.
You called me but I was too busy in the city to pick up. I can’t even remember the last time your name lit up my phone. I read your message as the Christmas tree downtown came into view from a distance and in spite of all the hurt, anger, and embarrassment I have for you, in that single moment I felt nothing but pride.
I was the first person you told as soon as you found out you made it into the program because you said you were done breaking promises ever since the day you left me; you made this promise to me when I was 16. I’m almost 20 now, though, and I’m off to nursing school in the fall and you’re off to become the PT you always dreamed of being – success was always in the stars for us. It just wasn’t the will of the universe for us to be together and I realize that now.

x. Jan.
2016:
And just when I feel like no one else can love me,
I will love myself more.
One day I hope to be the woman a man had prayed for – even if I wasn’t yours.

xi. Feb.
I have new worries now and absolutely none of them concern you.

xii. Mar.
We loved so well –
until you didn’t.
But for whatever happened between us that only you and I will ever know,
I finally forgive you.
That day at the lake you told me “You’re going to be stronger than you’ve ever dreamed of,”
but I didn’t understand that until now as I look back at all the things I was able to accomplish in this past year without you next to me, holding my hand.
If you ask me whether my heart is completely healed, I’d be lying if I answered yes.
But if you ask me if I am happy, yes is the only answer.
I hope you’ve found the happiness you were looking for.
And I mean it when I say God Bless.

Janelle.